But You Don’t Look Ill ….

Many tweoples will be familiar with the above ‘spoonie’ statement (for those who aren’t, please take the time to read The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino http://shar.es/bnEDF ) and I consider myself a spoonie, albeit one that is fortunate enough to still be able to work. Or I have been able to until recently when too many life events collided to trigger my biggest acute episode in 12 years.

A brief synopsis (there is a point to this I promise):

I’ve had a problem with depression for as long as I can remember and been on a plethora of meds since the tail end of my teens when I started at A for amitriptyline which has a lovely logic to it. Despite a perpetuating low mood however, I always managed to work and gained significant self esteem from my achievements. Following an assault, I started to self neglect which resulted in a series of hospitalisations, some voluntary, some …. not so. Work stopped paying me, income went from £2,000 a month to £53.00 a week plus DLA. I lost my house, car, dignity, self respect and didn’t work for two and a half years. I finally picked myself up, managed to get work and regained a level of normality which included finding a husband.

About five years into life take two, I had a short bout of depression which had been preceded by a period of extreme pressure at work which I appeared to thrive upon. It was only when the person in the next door office, a Consultant Psychiatrist, asked if I had bipolar rather unipolar depression that I noted periods when I was ‘in the zone’, ‘a bit buzzy’ or saw things a bit more acutely (I can smell an ant fart* at 20 miles and memorise film credits without realising it).

So, back to 2011 and a diagnosis of manic depression to go with the diabetes I’d picked up a couple of years previously plus a hiatus hernia, dupuytren’s contracture in both hands, coeliacs and three lots of surgery in less than twelve months and I start dropping some of the plates I’m spinning whilst working for our great British NHS at about 170mph. This results in a 3am trip to the GP Out of Hours based in my own hospital with strong suicidal ideations. After all, if I can’t function ‘my way’, then there are no other options and I possess enough drugs to floor a baby elephant. With the agreement that hubby would take time off work to stay with me to avoid an admission (‘I’m not going in there, it’s full of nutters’) we go home.

Today was my 8 week Occupational Health review. The Consultant was great; I’ve been fortunate enough to have amazing care from my GP, Crisis/Home Treatment Team, Consultant Psychiatrist, CB Therapist, CPN and OH. When I came out of the office, I started to bump into people, colleagues and peers.

Now call me paranoid (no don’t, the anti psychotics are working perfectly well thank you) but the ‘you look really wells’ and ‘are you still offs?’ were occasionally accompanied with that ‘but you don’t look ill’ look that the spoonie theory relates so well.

So this is a bit of hurrumph* and a bit of awareness raising for those of you who may not understand that mental ill health is every inch as hard as physical ill health and deserves as much respect. Underestimate it at your peril, particularly in today’s economic climate and with the current rudderless government. There is excellent information around on, generically, the traits of a manic depressive episode and MIND and ReThink are particularly recommended. Everyone’s experience, however, is different. I personally like this blog post, http://bit.ly/oNoWrD by the FABULOUS Natasha Tracy (@natasha_tracy) which articulates my presentation far better than I ever could for which I thank her.

* Thanks to @Zoe_Smith for her olfactory insight
* A good hurrumph in the morning sets you up for the rest of the day – Socrates (quote care of the lovely @NormanTonner)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s